You run like that? 🏃🏼➡️
The dangers of vicarious exercise
I put on pants—the kind with a zipper and a button, not sweats, and no elastic waistband. I considered this a good day, and with not a perk but at least a purpose in my step, I went outside, my 10-pound rescue dog, Luey, in tow.
All was going well. Luey sniffed and did his business, skipping over a scattered pile of garbage and a shattered bottle of Fireball cinnamon whisky (the preferred libation of early morning revelers), but on an actual patch of dirt, just like I imagine his ancestors did on the island of Malta.
And then I was assaulted. Not physically, but emotionally. Spiritually. A jogger with a broken arm passed me. Someone was actually motivated enough to clumsily put on running shorts, tie their shoes, and jog—the nerve.
I went jogging once. I dated someone for a while who was “into it.” We even went to Fleet Feet, a fancy running shoe store whose mission is to “inspire the runner in everyone.” They inspired me to spend $179 on a pair of Mizunos because I liked the color, which is how I’ve purchased most of my athleisure wear throughout my life.
The following day, still recovering from this sighting, I was back in my sweatpants and step-in Kiziks, and it happened again, but this time worse. Rounding the corner, a hunch in my step as I considered an entire day ahead that I’d have to stay awake, a glowing pregnant woman ran by. Like for exercise. And I thought, what kind of example are you setting for your unborn child?
IMC takeaway: My concerns are legit. According to Dr. Stephen Ilardi, author of The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression Without Drugs, the very idea of exercise is counter-intuitive to our hunter-gatherer instincts, which promote natural forms of cardiovascular and muscle training, like running away from a lion or building your own shelter, in other words: Purpose. He recommends group exercise or hiring a personal trainer. I’ll get right on that—as soon as I get out of bed.